Revision: English 1C: Critical Thinking (7 – 7 1/2 pages)

Please use the essay in the attachment to make revisions.
Note:
Needs to include one more academic source (so 4 academic sources in total so just a bit more research) (sorry for not mentioning this earlier)
My teacher does not want paraphrasing (again sorry). He wants us to incorporate quotes only and analyze them in detail (Maybe how it relates to other things).
And also introduce quotes.
(In Nietzsches essay he discusses …)
In (full name)s study of when he did he explains … ().
Intro:
Good introduction
Teacher does not want sentences like in the case of this essay or … is suitable for the essay
Teacher asks to give a brief context background of Nietzsches essay and relate it to how immigrants or cultures can be seen in the context of Nietzsches story
For thesis exclude the first part However the main aim is not to show that …:
Thesis needs to be more COMPLEX and well developed. (maybe show a relation.)
It could be Immigrants are affected by the foreign culture once they land in another country due to (topic)
Or Immigration being affected by a foreign culture (can be seen as / relate to ) Nietzsches interpretation of where
Just to clarify: No quotes are needed in the intro
2nd Paragraph:
I get that its like a context paragraph. But please use a quote from Nietzsche or an academic source and analyze it in detail to turn it into a well developed body paragraph.
(look at my advice on paragraph 3 before doing this)
3rd Paragraph:
My teachers take on elaborating on quotes and analysis. Dont assume the reader will understand what the quote(and the analysis) is saying. Explain it your own words what the quote means in this context (or maybe another context) After the quote you can say like in this context this means or Nietzsches interpretation on shows that
For the analysis part the ideas were really interesting but there were some parts that needs more clarification and expanding.
For There is a need to know that there is no evil of please clarify on that sentence
For One of the best lessons which can be learned please explain a bit more on that idea
(how do the U.S. citizens influence the immigrants to adapt to their culture) or (why do they tend to keep their own culture?)
4th Paragraph:
Topic Sentence:
Be more specific instead of saying there is a value
Please make only the first sentence a complex and declarative statement about the rest of the paragraph. Exclude there is a need to look at or without looking much into
I see that the 1st and 2nd sentences are the topics sentences but please make it into one.
For There are different reasons like fitting in… sentence a little awkward a bit confusing
Please explain what Nietzsches quote by itself first. I see your analysis of globalization is very well put in the context of Nietzsches quote(keep that part). But please interpret Nietzsches quote by itself immediately after the quote and then go into globalization.
5th Paragraph:
My teacher puts a lot of emphasis onto topic sentences. It needs to be declarative precise and give a solid statement of what the rest of the paragraph is talking about. Slavery could be introduced later on in the in the paragraph. I wouldnt include the slavery part in the topic sentence.
Again no paraphrasing please. Introduce a quote thoroughly from Moran and interpret it first and then relate it to the topic. The interpretation of the paraphrase was really good.
Also the interpretation of Nietzsches quote was very good. Every quote should be analyzed like that.
6th Paragraph:
For Research shows that… which researcher? And please do not include a quote or paraphrase in the topic sentence.
Please properly introduce the quote language as we saw and interpret give it some context before going into the tree analogy. The tree analogy was really good by the way.
7th Paragraph:
Please incorporate a quote into the paragraph.
The requirement says to have at least one quote in each body paragraph.
Maybe you can use the source where you got the info for For example when some of the children from the Hispanic origin
Introduce quote
The analysis portion was really good seriously
8th Paragraph:
Nice topic sentence
Do not use the word you (I fixed it)
Although you did analyze a lot of points before the Nietzsche quote. There needs to be more analysis after the quote as well. At least 3 sentences. Please 🙂
9th Paragraph:
No paraphrasing please. Please use quote from Huntington.
For However when a person drops the original culture and picks the foreign culture he or she is seen as a slave. how? I don’t get it and its shocking. Please rewrite that part in another way.
Introduce nietzsches quote
The analysis needs work. (Nietzsche describes metaphors as being used to form concepts that allows humans to learn or understand the world from their perspective)
Conclusion:
Does not need to include quote
Please elaborate just a little bit on how Doing so is close to impossible
Essay: In general please be specific as possible. If youre making a general statement please elaborate to the reader.
Final Note: I have to turn in the final draft of this essay on 8/3/17 Thursday 10:30am. Please have the essay for me at 10:00am as the absolute latest time. Taking consideration of the limited amount of time (less than 12 hrs) and things I wrote above Im willing to pay $25 for the revision for this essay. But please do a good job 🙂 I really appreciate your work and your effort. Thank you.